5 Guitarists Who Should Have Custom Guitars

I was on Musician's Friend the other day and spent what seemed to be hours looking at various artists' signature-model guitars, each one allegedly filled with their own personal twist on a classic that makes it worth the hundreds or thousands of dollars extra than the exact same model without their signature touches. It seems everyone and their uncle has a custom guitar for sale these days. You probably have a custom guitar for sale and don't even know it, which means you should contact a lawyer and see how much cash you can get from the sales of your instrument. However, I noticed that a few guitarists not known for their musicianship got custom guitars while far better guitar players were not even being thought about. Contracts and legal stuff aside, here is a list of artists who should have their own custom guitars for sale so that we the consumer can at least try to a little more like them and help get this economy out of a recession by spending untold thousands of dollars.

1. Frank Zappa (The Mother's of Invention, Frank Zappa)

Duh. Zappa not only rules, but he was wailing before anyone could even comprehend what that was. The man knew more about music and guitars without the aid of illegal drugs than any musician to date and could transcend genres even as he redefined or invented them (like Bowie or Beck). His guitars were tricked out with all sorts of coil-splitters and other pickup configurations that I can't even begin to understand. In addition, he never gave up on a guitar just because Jimi Hendrix set it on fire. Using what I assume are magical guitar powers, he redid all the electronics and lovingly restored the guitar to playability. A guitar-lover and American hero like Frank Zappa deserves to see his estate get incredibly rich from the sale of custom-designed guitars.



2. Marc Bolan (T. Rex)

As a fan of homoerotic glam rock, I regard Marc Bolan as a God due to his invention of the genre. He was proud of the genre's trashiness, yet remained a respected songwriter and musician despite the fact that his songs were kind of stupid. With his swagger and zebra-pickup Les Paul, Marc Bolan gave glam just enough of a growl to be heavy but at the same time appeal to teenage girls who made him a star. All artists remotely concerned with appearances or fuzzy-sounding pickups owe Marc Bolan, and what better way to repay their debt than with a bitchin' signature-model? Listen to this extra-crunchy version of "Children of the Revolution" and agree with me.



3. Kaki King (Kaki King)

All previously-held theories of women being unable to play guitar well are completely destroyed by Kaki King. This chick can play ridiculous acoustic-slap/tapping riffs faster than the electrical signals in your brain can move and make it look effortless. Approved by Dave Ghrol (he will always be the second drummer of Nirvana to me; I just can't accept any music he may have made afterwards), she combines tremendous songwriting talents and guitar virtuosity to create a shoegaze wonderland that convinced me that the acoustic guitar (also known as a "Grandpa Guitar") wasn't just for the timid. The only fault I can find with her is that she tried to sleep with my girlfriend when she was 14, but in Kaki's defense my girlfriend looks a lot older, so I'm not too concerned. All her signature-model would need to be is a good acoustic guitar with super low action, some expensive strings and durable enough to survive being used as a drum while simultaneously playing guitar.



4. Lou Reed (The Velvet Underground, Lou Reed)

Some people try to cleverly hide references to drugs in their name or their songs. Lou Reed wrote blatent odes to them. A master of the bizzare; pusher of envelopes; frightener of squares; lover of heroin; he was creating metal, shoegaze and droning epic masterpieces of distortion long before almost anyone was even aware of what those were. Because of his controversial ways, the Lou Reed signature-model cannot be any different. A huge cheap hollowbody guitar that screams when you add even the slightest bit of distortion or volume would be acceptable. I couldn't find any good live versions of "White Light White Heat" in the five seconds I spent searching for it on Youtube, but the recorded version is good enough.



5. Skwisgaar Skwigelf (Dethklok, Agnostic Priest, Gangagar, Eldeleel-Alele, Gognog Mug Alugdug, Fuckface Academy, Sausage Assassin, Financially Raped, Smugly Dismissed, 10 Points to Gryffindor, Depantsification Proclamation, pretty much every band ever)

There are too many things to be said about Skwisgaar Skwigelf. A lover of MILFs, GMILFs and soon-to-be MILFs; hater of Grandpa Guitars; a poor English-speaker; allergic to cilantro; an animated character on the show Metalocalypse. These are the qualities that make a Swedish Guitar God. Rarely, if ever, seen without his Gibson Explorer (even in the hot tub), the Skwisgaar Skwigelf signature-model would be the most metal guitar ever made. Already loaded with EMG pickups (81 and 85, respectively), the only necessary addition would be a Floyd Rose tremolo bar to make it perfect for screaming-fast solos. It wouldn't take too long to create either, as Skwisgaar has already designed the Swiss Army-tar, ant farm-itar, the Excaliburtar and a guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross. Naturally, the only color it would come in is blacker than the blackest black times infinity. Here's a classic example of Skwisgaar's fret-mastery entitled "Crush My Battle Opponent's Balls.



Got any other artists who need signature-models? Tell me. It's not like I have all day to analyze this stuff, you know.