5 Guitarists Who Should Not Have Signature Models

In response to my previous post, I felt it would be necessary to write about artists who have a signature-model guitar but don't deserve one. It was hard to limit it to five artists, and my brief search on Musician's Friend took slightly longer than I anticipated. Nevertheless, I limited the list to five people I have deemed unworthy to have signature-models. I kind of wanted to write a post about how some artists have way too many signature-models (Zakk Wylde and Dave Mustaine,among others), but at least those guitarists have what we in the business of criticizing guitar players to compensate for our own shortcomings call "talent".

1. Avril Lavigne (Avril Lavigne)

A Canadian "singer-songwriter" who initially rebelled against pop-culture and the shallowness of the entertainment industry before realizing that the only way to remain culturally relevant was to embrace the sleaze, become a blond and give up the anti-establishment act, Avril Lavigne has been boring the hell out of me since 2002. While not renowned for her songwriting abilities, guitar-prowess or resistance to marrying young (to a guy from Sum 41, which I guess is ok if you've given up on finding a man), Avril has sold something like 30 million albums, beating my album sales by approximately 30 million. Bitch.

2. Benji Madden (Good Charlotte)

I don't know why I'm even bothering to write anything else after his name. A guy from Good Charlotte shouldn't even be playing a guitar, let alone selling one. All I know about Good Charlotte is that one of them knocked up some anorexic broad and that the state of Maryland refuses to acknowledge their citizenship. And $1000 for one pickup? I'd rather be covered in phosphorus and thrown in the ocean than to be ripped off that badly.

3. Robert Smith (The Cure)

Really? The guy from The Cure who essentially invented New-Wave goth rock? There are plenty of other people who should be selling signature-models (see previous post), most of whom aren't in lame emoish bands. However, I shouldn't be too hard on Robert Smith. Like me, he thinks Morrissey is lame and he did save the world from Mecha-Streisand.

4. Billie Joe Armstrong (Green Day)

Only one member of Green Day graduated from high school. Billie Joe was not the one. For $1500, you too can sound like the guy from Green Day by having a guitar that is essentially a pickup attached to wood. Or you can save a few hundred dollars and buy a better guitar that has a simple sound and is not associated with Green Day. Wake up me when Billie's quest to steal money from every misguided youth in the country ends.

5. Nick Valensi (The Strokes)

I don't necessarily have anything against The Strokes per se, I just don't see why a guy from The Strokes needs a signature-model, especially for $1300. Is he trying to cater to rich, upper-west-side Manhattan kids who want to sound like a guy from The Strokes? Is he strapped for cash? If you're reading this Nick, you can tell me. Your boy Eamonn Rockwell has your back. All we'd need to do is sit around in some yuppie New York coffee shop for a few hours and try to look like that guy from Entourage until chicks just start throwing money at us. Your wife and children will understand and be grateful when you're putting them through the most expensive private schools in the city (I recommend Packer Collegiate Institute, as two of the Beastie Boys went there).

Am I wrong? Probably not. Did I leave people out? Totally. If you've know anyone else who has a signature-model for no good reason, let me know.